You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
