Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
