I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
