party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
