The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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