my mouth tastes like poor choices
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
