I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
did i walk over a car last night?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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