So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
