Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
