Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
