1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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