i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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