I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
