Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
4 words: hood of his car
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
