Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
