I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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