i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
