i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
