totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
