Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
