Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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