I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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