It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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