just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
