i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
