I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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