Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
