I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
