Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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