I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
