I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We have started to decorate penises.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
