God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
