he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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