just come out here and I will go home with you...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
