Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
