Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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