Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
