I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
