my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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