I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
