I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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