I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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