I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
