I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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