foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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