Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
