Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
