Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
