dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
