why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
