Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just blew my weed a kiss
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
