low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
